Anonymous: How do you approach dating someone when you want to date monogamously, but the guy wants to feel like he’s not cheating if he wants to see someone else? We’ve been going out for a month and a half, have been physically intimate, and he’s wrapping up a divorce and doesn’t want to be in a committed relationship. I don’t know if I can see a future with him yet or not, but he loves the Lord, has a good heart, and is so so sweet to me. I don’t know how to walk away, or if it’s worth pursuing.
Lauren: Dating can be hard because every person seems to have a different definition of it. If you mean “dating” as in going to dinner a couple times to get to know him a little better, then there’s nothing wrong with him getting to know other girls too. However, once you become either physically or emotionally intimate, which usually happens pretty quickly, it’s definitely not okay for him to be investing in multiple women.
Basically, this guy likes having you around, but after a month and a half of becoming physically and emotionally intimate with you, he has made it clear that you aren’t enough for him to commit to, even on the lowest level of commitment (dating). This should be enough of a redflag for you to walk away before you get hurt even more later on. It sounds like he wants to keep you in his life for what you have to offer, but he doesn’t want to be accused of cheating or being a bad boyfriend if he wants to develop intimate relationships with multiple women. He’s communicating two things: He doesn’t know what he wants, and he doesn’t believe you are a woman valuable enough to commit exclusively to. This is a relationship you need to walk away from immediately.
It might be understandable from his perspective, given his circumstances, but his brokenness or temporary hurt is not your burden to bear, and not worth you sacrificing YOUR emotional well-being for. The question should be: Are YOU the woman that wants to get burned? This relationship is about him right now; where he is in his life, what he is comfortable with, and what he wants. He might be the sweetest man out there, but he’s not respectful of your heart or emotions, which begs the question: Is he really being that sweet?
Ultimately, step away from the relationship and your emotional connection to this man you’ve gotten to know for a moment, and ask yourself these questions: Is this man respectful of me? Is this man building up my emotional well-being, or tearing it down? Is this man protecting my heart, or is he putting it on the line for the sake of his selfishness? It this a man I can respect from the way he has handled our relationship this far? Do I feel totally valued and treasured by this man?
And the question that gets me every single time: Would I want my daughter to be in this position with this man? What would I tell her?
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