ask lauren, etc.

ShepherdsDaughter: One of the young girls I disciple asked me a question, and I’m not so sure how to answer because I don’t think I’ve handled this well for myself: “If a guy is flirting with me with sexual conversation, how do I get out of it without being mean?” My suggestion was to simply say no, but with girls her age, I guess it isn’t that simple. And I don’t think that changing the topic necessarily always solve the root problem. I don’t think she should be talking to this guy in the first place — if he cannot respect her, then he doesn’t deserve her company. Anyway, do you have any suggestions on how to handle this aside from being blunt or changing the conversation? Thanks. <3

Lauren: As women, we are (usually) blessed with nurturing, loving personalities - meaning that we can be overly careful of others’ feelings, and we quick to martyr our own standards and emotional health for the sake of another person’s comfort. The girl you are discipling is a perfect example of this: It is WONDERFUL that she is slow to speak, and careful to not hurt others’ feelings. However it becomes dangerous when it is at the cost of her emotional or physical health. She has expressed to you that sexual conversations/suggestive flirting is not something she is comfortable with, yet she is more concerned with this guy’s feelings than she is her personal wishes. And it can be difficult to feel like you are the one “inflicting” pain on someone, when you’d much rather just ignore it and hope it goes away. 

I encourage you to let her know that men can handle hearing “no.”  He might be upset, but his emotions are not her responsibility. Depending on how old she is and if this kind of struggle is manifesting itself in other relationships (not having boundaries with parents, close friends, etc) then I definitely recommend her reading Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend. I would assumethat is the root issue, as it is with most of us who are too concerned with hurting someone’s feelings.

On top of our caring, martyring tendencies, we often add to the mix the Christian idea of “sacrificial” love and behavior. Young women need to understand that we are asked to love in the way Jesus asked us to: to care for the widows and orphans, to encourage the oppressed, to turn the other cheek, to have compassion, and to give generously. Being a young Christian woman does NOT mean we are to never stand up for ourselves if someone becomes unhappy with us, or if someone chooses to be personally offended by standards that keep us emotionally or physically healthy. God’s command to love one another is not a command to young women to keep quiet when men begin to offend them or make them uncomfortable. 

The Boundaries book has TONS more information and encouragement on this, and is written from a solid Christian standpoint as well as a professional, psychological approach. 

As far as what she should actually say? Encourage her to be perfectly blunt and honest! She should tell him that she enjoys his friendship, but is not comfortable with how he is flirting with her and being sexually suggestive, and if he doesn’t stop, she’ll have to stop spending time with him. It’s perfectly okay with her to say that, and he needs to respect it. :)