ask lauren, etc.

Lauren, I just found out my fiance is addicted to porn. He has already met with a counselor and we are installing software on our computers to protect him. He is starting a recovery program at church next month as well. I'm incredibly shocked by this and didn't see it coming. I'm really not even sure how I feel. I'm not angry, just hurt and confused. The last thing I want to do is to build up bitterness and a lack of trust in our marriage. What do I do now? How do I protect our hearts?

Tue, 24 Jul 2012 17:35:18 -0400

hi anonymous. i’m so sorry to hear this. :( be encouraged though, that you are both taking great strides to handle this together before getting married - and that you aren’t finding out much later.

i highly recommend finding professional licensed counseling (yes! for you!), and/or a woman that you really respect to talk this through with. ideally, both. the worst way to handle it is to try to get through it “alone.” it’s in the silence that we begin to believe lies about ourself, about god, and about our significant other.

also, know that your heart will pull back a little bit from your fiancé while you work through this initially, and that’s COMPLETELY okay. a lot of us can “smother” what our heart feels in the name of forced or obligated grace. it’s very healthy to choose to forgive your fiancé, but also to reign in your heart and take it to god as you wrestle with what this means to you. giving your fiancé grace and learning to take time for yourself are not mutually exclusive things, so allow yourself that.

much love. xoxoxo

Caitlin: My parents said that all boys want is sex. I told them that my boyfriend isn’t like that at...

Mon, 21 May 2012 13:26:39 -0400

Caitlin: My parents said that all boys want is sex. I told them that my boyfriend isn’t like that at all! I haven’t talked to him about it, but how do I know who is right? I don’t want to think that’s all my boyfriend wants.

Lauren: I’m sure that your parents have your best interests at heart, but a more accurate statement would have been, “a lot of guys in high school are more interested in sex than in relationships.” Not all boys are the same, and not all men will be the same. This will continue into the rest of your life. For the record, some girls use guys for sex too. Also, girls (as a whole) enjoy sex just as much as guys do.

What you need to find out is if your guy is dating you for sex, for you, or for both.

Having a conversation with your boyfriend about it is a great idea. But you can also tell a lot from your boyfriend’s actions, behaviors, and what he talks about around you. The easiest way to tell what your boyfriend wants from you, is to look at what he’s asking you for. This may be direct (asking you to have sex/telling you he wants to), implied, subtle hints (you know it when you see it), or just something that you’ve agreed to participate in without disagreeing (him initiating physical relationship and you responding positively).

Take a look at the way he and his close friends talk about their girlfriends, or girls they like. Are they talking about having sex all. the. freaking. time? Are his friends sleeping with girls frequently, but treating them poorly? Guys that your boyfriend respects will tell you a lot about him.

If you aren’t having sex, it’s a good chance that he’s not using you for sex. Unless you’ve been dating a short time and he starts getting aggressive or upset that you aren’t giving him what he ‘needs.’

If you are having sex, it’s not a guarantee that all he wants is sex, but it does make it more difficult to tell. Nothing against him, that’s just the math of it.

Personally, I believe one of the greatest reasons to not have sex when you’re dating is simply to make sure that the guy wants you for you, and not just sex. And then to build the sexual relationship on top of the “real” relationship. If you love this guy, I’m assuming you’re hoping you’ll be together for awhile – and if things go well, forever. Speaking from personal experience, the less time you spend on sex in the beginning means the more time you spend on true, honest friendship. It can be really, really difficult to not have sex, but if it’s a good relationship, the struggle will actually strengthen it. And that’s invaluable to your future with him.

(Translated: Did you know just about every single marriage goes through weeks or months where they don’t or can’t have sex? You wanna make sure that you and your boyfriend can make it without sex before heading towards a marriage! If not having sex for a couple weeks or months seems to result in irreconcilable differences and/or bad fights, you may have just avoided a potential divorce or extremely painful break-up years down the road.)

At the end of the day, I understand what you want to know: That he cares about you, not just your body. Holding out on sex while you’re building a friendship means that you’re choosing to give more value to the foundation of the building, and that’s ALWAYS a good thing. Sex is like a brick. It can be used to lay a foundation of love, care and trust – or it can be used to throw through a windshield. Handle it wisely, and be extremely careful whose hands you entrust the brick to.

So. If you’re sleeping together, the first thing to do is decide if you want sex to be part of the relationship right now. YOU decide this. Not your boyfriend, not your friends – - you decide. Talk to girls and women you respect. Practice making clear-minded choices about yourself. (And if you feel like you aren’t completely sure what you want, I’d recommend that you take a break until you can make a whole-hearted decision. If there’s a part of you that doesn’t want to be having sex or wishes you weren’t, when you look back on this, you’ll feel like you weren’t the one making the choice. And that really sucks.) One thing to keep in mind while deciding: Make sure that your physical and emotional intimacy is always on par with the level of commitment in the relationship. People may have differing opinions on what this ends up looking like, but if something is sitting wrong with you and you don’t think your physical relationship matches up with the level of commitment, that isn’t good.

The second thing to do is have a conversation with him about sex, based on what you decided. See how he responds. Ask him how he feels, and what he’s thinking. Pay close attention to his reactions, and if your relationship seems to change over the next few weeks. Does he agree? Disagree? Get angry? Is he understanding? Does he say that he “respects your feelings” but then asks you to continue something you just expressed you didn’t want to do? Does he make it clear that he is attentive and caring to your feelings and/or concerns?

If he is using for sex, you’ll know soon, and hopefully your heart will be strong enough to make a healthy decision for you and your future.

If he isn’t using you for sex, this is an amazing opportunity to strengthen your relationship, and be much more intentional about how you make decisions individually and together.

Answered for Good Women Project today > > >

Hi Lauren! I recently started started dating this awesome guy from church. He has been separated for a few years but hasn't quite finished his divorce. He's asked me to keep our relationship on the down low for now, while things get resolved. I am afraid things aren't moving fast enough with his divorce and too fast between us. The last couple of day I've been feeling insecure about the relationship and a lot of insecurities that I had from previous relationships have come back like a flood.

Wed, 02 May 2012 01:47:32 -0400

Lauren: Anytime a man wants to “keep the relationship on the down low” I advise you to get out immediately. It doesn’t matter how legitimate the reason may seem. If the world can’t know about the relationship, you don’t want it. Trust me. I’ve been there.

If you’ve felt very insecure about the relationship lately, you should definitely take a week (or longer) “off” to get some clarity and emotional/mental distance. Pay attention to the red flags that your heart throws on the field. Don’t ignore them. It’s so important to begin to address insecurities and “heal” from bruises and aches from prior relationships before we move into new ones. If we don’t, we’re acting towards the new guy as if he was the one who harmed us, and it can easily snowball into a very co-dependent, stressful relationship.

xoxo

Hi Lauren. This isn't really a question about sex and love, but something told me that you might be a good person to ask. Lately I've been gripped with this weird fascination with the paranormal, and while it seems harmless enough, I'm becoming more and more frightened (and yes, possibly, aware) of the demonic activity around us. I try to be peaceful & trust in Christ's power, but I can't seem to shake the fear. Do you have any advice for someone facing this kind of spiritual warfare?

Wed, 02 May 2012 01:43:15 -0400

Lauren: Yes. Read “Waking The Dead: The Glory Of A Heart Fully Alive” by John Eldredge.

Over a year ago I dated and fell in love with a guy who isn't a Christian. We only a dated for a short for a couple months but have remained friends since. He recently told me that he still loves me and I still love him too. But after a few days of talking almost constantly, I told him that I couldn't date again. Now I'm heartbroken and I miss him so much. A part of me thinks I made the right decision but I'm also very sad and bitter. I want to obey God, but this hurts so much. What should I do?

Wed, 02 May 2012 01:38:00 -0400

Lauren: It sounds like you gave it a chance, and made some hard decisions that you knew you needed to make. You should be very proud of yourself for that.

When we invest emotionally in someone, it hurts to remove ourselves from that person - altogether, or even just “less.”

If you have a relationship with Jesus, pursuing a relationship with a man who does not is very dangerous. Not because it’s “wrong” or you are “disobeying God” per se, but because our significant other has the greatest influence out of anyone else in our life. It is crucial that you partner with someone who is running in the same direction as you, and at relatively the same pace. Otherwise, they will alter the direction that Jesus is taking your life, and that is compromising your LIFE. And your life is all you have.

It’s very normal to feel sad, bitter, and heartbroken. In the past, it’s taken me months and months and months to “get over” guys that I’ve dated and thought I’d fallen in love with. This is the human response to leaving someone we care very much for. So be glad that your heart and body are functioning properly, as they should. And give yourself grace, and much care in ‘healing’ your heart.

Surround yourself with people that speak truth about your value, and spend more time than usual reading truth about who Jesus says you are. Focus on what you’re doing with your life, and make some big changes if you feel like it’s the right time! Struggling with heartache can be some of the absolute best time to be creative and create new things in your life. Don’t waste it. And know that you made the right decision, and that this will be worth it.

(Oh, and stop talking to him altogether until your heart is healed. Speaking to him will be like digging at a cut, and if you dig at a cut every day or every week, it will never heal.)

This isn't actually a question, it's a thank you. A while ago you re-posted my story of masturbation. Since then I have had so many people read and comment on it. I've even found a girl in another country who I email and we encourage each other. So thanks, thanks for giving me the ability to reach these people. Thank you for allowing God to move you and affect change. Sarah L. timestwentysomething

Wed, 02 May 2012 01:31:29 -0400

This is so, so amazing to hear. I’m SO GLAD.

If anyone else is looking for this post, it’s here.

I re-launched my primary blog the other day!! I know it’s kind of off topic, but I wanted to...

Wed, 02 May 2012 01:26:04 -0400

I re-launched my primary blog the other day!! I know it’s kind of off topic, but I wanted to share, because I’m pretty excited. :D

http://laurennicolelove.com/blog

A year ago me and this guy were near dating, but after a few weeks he told me that we couldn't be together, but he didn't know why. He went so far as to say he saw me as the girl he wanted to marry. We didn't talk for a year, and recently he asked me out while we were on a trip with our church. We had a great time, and we continued to hangout after we got back. We talked a lot about what spiritual dating looks like. But, this week he told me he wants to just be friends. I'm super confused. Help!

Tue, 01 May 2012 22:43:00 -0400

Lauren: Sounds like he just wants to be friends. :( Sorry babe.

This happens a lot. Sometimes what we want in a significant other changes, and sometimes our feelings for people change. Sometimes we make verbal or physical declarations towards people of the opposite sex, hoping that our emotions will follow - and they don’t. And, sometimes, we use people to fill our own insecurities, and then move on.

I don’t know which of these things happened with the guy that you were almost dating, but please know that where you are is okay. You will be okay without him. You need a man who absolutely knows he wants to be with you. You should pursue a relationship with a man who KNOWS he wants to pursue a relationship with you, because of who you are.

Don’t get sucked into pursuing a man who doesn’t show interest back, or tells you he wants to “just be friends.” If he doesn’t want to date you, he doesn’t want to date you. I know it can be devastating to hear, particularly if you wanted to be with him - and ESPECIALLY if you had a level of closeness that you no longer have, and still want. :(

Have you ever said something that you felt in the moment, but then didn’t feel later? Or said something because you hoped you’d feel it, but didn’t? Give him grace in changing who he is, or what he wanted, or going back on what he said. It’s “okay” that he has changed his mind and been confusing. It doesn’t make it right or fair, but it happens. It’s understandable that you emotionally feel confused (as you should), but he’s told you what he wants and doesn’t want, so be careful you don’t try to “make him see” that he should want what he used to. Acknowledge the hurt, but then cut your losses, turn your face forward, and don’t look back. Maintaining a friendship with this guy while you still wish it could be more will continue to be very painful and harmful to you.

Hey! I'm going to be leading a co-ed college Bible study this summer (aaaaaaaaaaahhhh! This'll be my first time ever doing something like this, so I'm a little nervous), and have no idea what topics to cover. A friend of mine sent me one of your articles earlier this semester, I've been following everything you write ever since; and, have really come to respect you and your husband immensely. So, when I was thinking of people to ask for advice and suggestions, you came to mind. Any ideas? Thanks

Tue, 01 May 2012 20:52:12 -0400

Oh man. How exciting! Well, I’ve never led a co-ed Bible Study before, so I’m definitely not experienced in this, but I guess I’ve learned a few things from choosing & editing articles for Good Women Project.

A co-ed environment is an AMAZING time to hear female + male thoughts on the same topic, and something that’s needed much more than it’s provided in “pro-Jesus settings.” Feel free to look at the monthly topics that GWP has covered lately and frame questions based on the ones raised there.

Maybe the overall “goal” of the Bible Study could be building same sex and opposite sex relationships (of all kinds) for the benefit of living out the love of Jesus in a real, honest way. Make a little tier of sub-topics that come from that, and tackle them week by week!

I am getting married in a couple of weeks. The church does not require that I wear sleeves or cover my shoulders, but I have always thought I would. My dress is traditional, floor-length but strapless. They made me a shrug to cover my shoulders, but I really don't like it. My mom, friends, and priest tell me I am being antiquated wanting to cover up. I'm not even sure what the Bible even says about this? What do you know or think about this issue of modesty at the alter

Tue, 01 May 2012 20:47:00 -0400

It’s your wedding day. Your day to wear what makes you feel most beautiful. Wear what makes you feel beautiful. If you want to show off your shoulders, show them off. If you want to wear a beautiful shrug, wear one that you truly love.

Did you choose your wedding dress? If so, wear it with confidence. If you didn’t, I’m sorry. :( If it’s simply a matter of the shrug, see if you can find one you love.

The Bible says nothing about what is appropriate to wear at the alter. And most likely for good reason. God does not have a hidden list of rules or expectations for you to fulfill to be “the perfect bride” on your wedding day. There is no pre-determined “right” or “wrong” that you are to be following, or that your mother and friends and priest are looking at. You are made perfect in Jesus, and you are made perfectly beautiful in the eyes of your groom on your wedding day.

Go and be free!!

I understand that you talk mostly about what to do if your boyfriend/husband is watching porn. Do you have any advice if a brother or father is watching porn?

Sat, 07 Apr 2012 22:42:00 -0400

I’m so sorry to hear that. :( This is 100% something that you do not need to interfere with (and shouldn’t). This is your brother and/or father’s responsibility, and as a sister or daughter - you are not the person that can or should help them with something of this nature. Please be very careful in the emotional responsibility or involvement that you take in things like this with your family members. When there is sexual brokenness in a brother and/or father, there can be so many repercussions for the women in the family, and I really encourage you to seek out a woman you respect and trust and confide in her with what’s going on, and give someone permission to be a safe place for you.

I understand your hurt, though, and I can encourage you to pray. The battle truly is not against flesh and blood but against the spiritual beings - and you can pray for them. Much love to you.

Anonymous: Hey Lauren, Love your Biblical insight/wisdom. What are your thoughts on plastic surgery?...

Thu, 22 Mar 2012 16:49:43 -0400

Anonymous: Hey Lauren, Love your Biblical insight/wisdom. What are your thoughts on plastic surgery? I didn’t think I would every be asking this, but as I’ve aged my thoughts on this subject have changed. I’m considering breast augmentation. I don’t want to look like a porn star… but would like to fix the droop a bit. Thanks! Suz

Lauren: Shoot, girlfriend. I say go for it. It’s always a heart matter first. I don’t see it as any different than coloring your hair (or wearing makeup, or getting a tattoo), so long as you’re being really safe (PLEASE find a good doctor who is certified by the American Board of Plastic Surgery. Any doctor with an MD can call himself a plastic surgeon without ever having taken a course in plastic surgery in his life) and so long as you’re not doing it out of a desperation for attention or to find your identity in it. Go and be beautiful!

And for the record - I just have to say this - I don’t support 16 year old girls getting boob jobs because “it will make them sexier.” Okay. That’s said. :)

Anonymous: Hi Lauren, I’ve been wondering how to go about a situation with a guy. I was born...

Thu, 22 Mar 2012 16:18:00 -0400

Anonymous: Hi Lauren, I’ve been wondering how to go about a situation with a guy. I was born and raised Christian but I lost my virginity in my late teens. I am now 20 and I want to honor God and both me and the dude, but how can I overcome my feelings of worthlessness? I can’t help but think that a guy that waited for his wife would want a girl that also waited ‘til marriage for sex.

Lauren: Oh, love. I have felt this. I remember thinking that losing my virginity completely destroyed my chance of marrying the kind of man I dared to hope for. It took me years to truly understand that we are all broken in our own ways, and our worth is held permanently in Jesus even when we act in ways that make us feel we’ve lost it. I promise you that the good man who has your name written on his heart will see you not as you once behaved, but as Jesus says you are. You should read this post that went up on Good Women Project today. You would love it:A Letter To My Future Wife: What I Undeserve. I have also asked my friend Shannon to expand upon this, below, as she is one of many unbelievably beautiful women that I greatly admire and respect who also lost her virginity before marriage.

Shannon: Lady, I commend you for being in a place to want to honor God, yourself, and your man with your body. I cannot tell you how much joy that decision brings! The hard part is, that joy isn’t found until you can forgive yourself and understand your value in Christ with every tiny ounce of your being.

Have you told God how you’re feeling? Have you asked Him for renewal of your body, mind, and spirit? Have you asked Him to show you your immense worth in His eyes?

Because you can. You’re His beloved daughter and you’re absolutely allowed. He’d love nothing more than to hear those things from you and replace the lies you’ve been told with Truth. And once He opens your eyes to how beautifully you were woven together and to the hope that exists despite the past decisions you’ve made, you’ll find a freedom you never could have imagined existed. That’s the freedom in knowing you’ve been forgiven. That’s the freedom in knowing that a man loved you so much that he gave his life for you, all so that you don’t have to live in brokenness.

Please believe this: nothing is beyond redemption with God. He makes all things new. Including the virginity you think has been forever lost.

I know from my own story how delicate the conversation can be when it’s time to discuss your past decisions with your loved one. I know that there can be immense pain both in telling him what you once gave to someone else, and in seeing the way it may wring his heart. But sister, any man who loves you for the woman you are in Christ and who understands the power of forgiveness will still see you as whole. Even more, he’ll encourage you in the decision you’re now making to honor your body and your relationships, and he’ll lead you in setting physical boundaries that you both are comfortable with after you’ve each given it prayer.

It may take some time to walk through this, and I encourage you to discuss the situation with other people you trust. Find older men and women who you and your guy can go to separately to seek out guidance and advice, and be sure to choose wise mentors who have the good of both of your hearts in mind.

Grace is a beautiful gift from God. Don’t forget to give it to yourself as well.

Anonymous: I was wondering if you could give some advice or shine some light on the subject of self...

Thu, 22 Mar 2012 16:05:12 -0400

Anonymous: I was wondering if you could give some advice or shine some light on the subject of self mutilation or cutting, I have a friend struggling with this and I’m struggling to know how to help her.

Lauren: This is so hard. :( I’ve had several people in my life who are very close to me struggle on and off with cutting, and it’s so heartbreaking. I asked my friend Shannon to help answer your question, as I felt she would have more insight and wisdom.

Shannon: Thank you for reaching out about such a tough issue—your friend is lucky to have you. The reality is your friend is hurting inside, and there are a whole number of reasons why she may be hurting herself on the outside to cope. What you need to remember is that even though you may not understand the what or the why, the pain she is feeling is very real to her. As her friend, offer to walk through this struggle with her and let her know she does not have to go it alone. Tell her she deserves to be happy and healthy, free of self-injury, and that hope and help do exist. Encourage her to find someone older she trusts to talk to—whether that be a relative, pastor, teacher, or counselor—and to embrace the things she loves to do. There is a wonderful organization called To Write Love on Her Arms (twloha.com) that has a great “Find Help” section with plenty of resources on self-injury and counseling that should be helpful to both of you. You or your friend can always contact TWLOHA for further resources in your area or help and advice. And if at ANY point you feel like your friend’s life is in danger, please don’t hesitate to call 911. Sending all my love to the both of you.

Hi Lauren, I've read a lot of your answers to questions about dressing modestly and how it isn't a woman's fault for mens lustful looks. I've also read a few Hugo articles. And i do agree with them. But i've also been told by many friends and even by my church that you should always cover up so that you won't even tempt men to do, or think something lustful. Are they right?

Thu, 15 Mar 2012 18:29:51 -0400

I just had a great conversation about this today, and published it on my personal blog! Feel free to read and share.

A Conversation With Kate About Modesty & Lust

Anonymous: I’m about to get married in a month and I’m a virgin. I am so nervous and...

Thu, 15 Mar 2012 13:03:53 -0400

Anonymous: I’m about to get married in a month and I’m a virgin. I am so nervous and really scared about the first time. I am really insecure about my body and I am already awkward and I just get really nervous and have problems NOT having sex. I am terrified that it is going to suck. I just wanted to know if you were nervous too and how you dealt with it. What can I do to stop panicking? Does this mean I don’t love him or trust him enough? Thanks.

Lauren: AW. Okay. First of all, freaking CONGRATULATIONS! I am so excited for you. You found a best friend who is committing to spend the rest of his life with you. He loves you for YOU, and he loves your body. BE excited for this, even if you’re worried about other things.

Secondly, don’t be terrified that your first time is going to suck. Sex is a crazy thing to talk about because we try to “evaluate it” (good sex, bad sex, awesome sex, etc) - and you can’t really do that. Sex is amazing because you get to be with him; being with him isn’t amazing because you get to have sex. Sex is great because you are with someone; being with someone isn’t great simply because you get to have sex. See the order of things? Sex inherently hinges upon the person it’s with, and the relationship you have with that person. Our culture tries really hard to separate it as it’s own finite thing - but you really just can’t.

I was more nervous on my wedding day than I’ve ever been in my entire life, as was my husband. And I hear that from just about everyone. Also? I don’t know a single human being who HASN’T had awkward sex. And I don’t know a single human being who isn’t, to some extent, insecure with some aspect of their body. But that’s the other downside of our culture trying to separate sex from actual relationships between people: we think that an imperfect body affects our sex life negatively, and we think that if we’re not 100% comfortable/sexy/superwoman/lingerie model/sex expert, then the sex is going to suck. But it’s not true.

Sex sucks when your first time is awkward and uncomfortable with someone you don’t love and who doesn’t love you back and who leaves you in the morning and never says another word. That’s when sex sucks. When the relationship sucks. See?

I can’t tell you on a scale of 1-10 how awesome or awkward your first time is going to be, because everyone is SO different! But the amazing thing is that you don’t have to worry about it, half because it’s going to be with someone who truly loves YOU for you, and half because you have the rest of your life to get comfortable and get to know yourself and him. Don’t let yourself be terrified of “bad sex.” Be crazy happy and excited that you get to finally really be intimate, open and spend time alone with your best friend - and that you have friends and family who are happy about it too. :)

As for your last question, about not loving him or not trusting him enough, that is between you and God alone. I can’t tell you what that means for you. Everyone has doubts and panicky moments right before getting married. Spend a lot of time with JUST you and God, and maybe a trusted pastor/counselor (your parents maybe if things are good between you two, but there is SO much value in talking things out with an older, wiser OBJECTIVE person) to find out what specifically you really are panicking about, and what your true fears about love and trust are. If you have specific doubts, this is the time to address them - not a year into a marriage. But if you just have general/freaking out/I’m getting married doubts, then just know you’re exactly like everybody else. :)

Random bits of encouragement: Your fiance is probably just as nervous/freaking out. He is also insecure about his body. He is also worried that sex might suck. You will, at some point in your marriage, have sex “issues” because every single couple has them - so it’s NOTHING to be afraid of. So long as love and your relationship comes first, and sex second, you have nothing to fear. And PRAY. Jesus says that “He Himself is our peace.” If this is good and perfect in the eyes of God, ask him to give you the eyes he has for your marriage. He will.

Anonymous #1: Hi Lauren, It’s so hard having a best friend that is really beautiful. Boys like...

Tue, 13 Mar 2012 20:36:32 -0400

Anonymous #1: Hi Lauren, It’s so hard having a best friend that is really beautiful. Boys like her, everyone likes her. I’m so jealous and it affects my relationship with her. What can I do about this? It’s been so many years and the jealousy is not at the least fading. I’m 16 years old and not one guy has ever like me/ever got a boyfriend… And I fear very much that no one would ever like me or be able to put up with me. I really don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I’ve always been nice and is that not enough?

Anonymous #2: I’m 18 years old and I’ve never been pursued by a guy. I’ve never had a boyfriend, a kiss, anything. I like to pretend that I don’t care, but who wouldn’t? I feel like something is wrong with me; it’s hard not to. How do I deal with this when all of my friends are dating?

Lauren: Sweet girls! I’ve asked my darling friend Shannon to help me answer your questions. You are so loved. Please read her answer below:

Shannon: First of all, I am so sorry your delicate hearts are hurting over this. As humans made in God’s image, we are meant to have relationships with others. Thanks to the Fall though, we’re born with this ache deep inside that we’re constantly trying to fill, and the ache of a woman’s heart is particularly unique. If I could wave a magic wand and give you perspective ten years from now I would, because I know that right now it’s hard to see the long, beautiful life you have ahead you, and all of the people who will walk in and out of it.

Secondly, I want you to find a mirror and stand in front of it. Take a few minutes to look at the young women you are—every curve, every freckle, every color, every pore—and know that every single inch of you was woven together by a Creator who by no means does anything imperfectly. Did you hear that? He made you perfect.

You are neither too much nor not enough, and the man who will one day love you like no other will cherish all of you. And trust me girls, that man is worth waiting for.

Thirdly, believe that God has you exactly where He wants you.

Because while your friends may be experiencing what it’s like to be in a teen relationship, God is saving your heart for something different, something that’s better for you. And for all we know, He is also sparing those sweet hearts of yours from a special kind of pain that relationships can bring at such a young age. He is lacing together a story for you that will forever be yours to own—a story that no one can ever take away from you, and a story that you will be able to use to help someone else one day.

So don’t believe the lies that are making a home in your heart.

There is nothing wrong with you.

You are not something to be “put up with.”

And breathe in deeply the peace that comes with knowing there is a plan for you, far better than any one you could have imagined for yourself.

(Also, check out this blog post by Annie Downs—“A Letter to a Pretty Girl.” We’re not alone in our struggles, girls)

Lauren, I was wondering how you feel about smoking marijuana. If you aren't addicted to it and it's not leading you to do other drugs, what is wrong with it? It seems natural so I guess I'm just wondering the harm in it.

Tue, 13 Mar 2012 16:41:42 -0400

Hi! I would suggest you google: “consequences of smoking marijuana.” It’s a myth that it’s not harmful. But go do some research and decide what you believe for yourself!

hey Lauren, I LOVED your post about modesty. the way you explained the subject was exactly how ive always seen it. unfortunately though, i have quite a few friends who ridicule me for wearing bikinis and other "provocative" clothing (ie. skinny jeans). how can i give a short, concise, sound answer when I am accused of the "bikini sin"?

Tue, 13 Mar 2012 14:28:27 -0400

Thanks!! My sarcastic self wants you to joke back and tell them that their ridiculing/judging is more of a problem than your choice of attire - but it’s always better to answer in grace. Simply tell them that you respect their opinion and they are free to dress as they see fit, but that you are able to dress in a way that mirrors your personal convictions. You don’t necessarily need to “prove” your “right” to wear what you wear. You can’t make everyone happy, and we are each responsible for ourselves and only ourselves.

Sometimes the art of letting go of others’ expectations of us is more beneficial than learning to prove what we believe.

You might enjoy reading this post, or the posts linked at the bottom of it in the little grey box.

Lauren, I'm struggling with masturbation. I only go a few days without it before I fall again. I know in my spirit that it is wrong, but yet I still cave. How do I get over this struggle? Can you recommend some resources?

Tue, 13 Mar 2012 14:24:41 -0400

Hi Anonymous! I wrote a post about this earlier. You can find it here.