Office by Alex Penny
and other gems of hope in the world of sex and love.
Anonymous: I understand that you talk mostly about what to do if your boyfriend/husband is watching porn. Do you have any advice if a brother or father is watching porn?
I’m so sorry to hear that. :( This is 100% something that you do not need to interfere with (and shouldn’t). This is your brother and/or father’s responsibility, and as a sister or daughter - you are not the person that can or should help them with something of this nature. Please be very careful in the emotional responsibility or involvement that you take in things like this with your family members. When there is sexual brokenness in a brother and/or father, there can be so many repercussions for the women in the family, and I really encourage you to seek out a woman you respect and trust and confide in her with what’s going on, and give someone permission to be a safe place for you.
I understand your hurt, though, and I can encourage you to pray. The battle truly is not against flesh and blood but against the spiritual beings - and you can pray for them. Much love to you.
A VIDEO SERIES.
I’m launching a video series on answering the question, “I just found out my boyfriend is watching porn?!” The intro is posted on my primary blog. Please watch it first if you’ll be following the series, and *please* consider purchasing the books I recommend as a resource. If you are committed to the relationship, it is crucial that you are committed to healing your heart as well as understanding what your significant other is going through.
Used books can be found dirt cheap at bestbookbuys.com
Anonymous: My boyfriend is struggling with an addiction to pornography and online gaming, at what point to I forgive when he fails and at what point to I communicate “make or break” boundaries?
Lauren: I have about 12+ of these questions in my inbox so I’ve decided to do a video series over on my primary blog to answer them. You can view the first video I posted today here, along with some information about the series.
Or, you can just watch it right here. :)
Intro to “My boyfriend is watching porn!” from Lauren Dubinsky on Vimeo.
Male porn addict: I am essentially as experienced as a 12 year old, and I am 22. I am going to have to learn how to flirt, how to kiss, how to have sex, how to date, how to be in a relationship, etc. All of these things I am going to have to learn and each and every step is going to be EXCRUCIATINGLY painful. The rejections, the awkward dates that I clearly screw up, the “wow you’re a terrible kisser” the awkward conversations about being terrible at sex, etc, etc, etc.
To be honest, I strongly contemplated visiting prostitutes just to get some baseline skill level so that I don’t shame myself so horribly should I ever encounter a woman who will actually be willing to look past my initial social awkwardness and get to know me. I am a grown man and I doubt the vast majority of women my age would want to deal with someone so inept and inexperienced.
Lauren: I just want to say, from a woman’s perspective, that many women LOVE men who are inexperienced in bed. That statement sounds outrageous, but hear me out. The idea that sex is only good when it’s a skill that is perfected is a lie. It’s a lie that is based in pressure, perfection, performance and the complete absence of love. I’m not talking about the kinds of women who are having sex with you for the sake of having sex. I’m talking about the real women who are worth developing a legitimate relationship with you, because of the value they find in YOU. Sex is and always will be secondary to the actual relationship, for healthy people. One of the greatest turnoffs for a healthy woman who is actually emotionally invested in you is knowing that your “sex skills” are a result of a well-developed sex life before her.
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Comments Section of Porn ZombiesI wish that 10 years ago someone had educated me on pornography. What it is, what it does, and what it reaches in and destroys in the hearts, minds and bodies of men and women.
I wish that someone would have told me that researchers have proven it sabotages your sex life.
I wish someone would have explained how dopamine, the chemical that is released every time you experience pleasure, drives you to return to what provided that feeling before.
I wish someone would have told me that the kind of pornography you’re most turned on by is usually linked to a corresponding hurtful event in your life, further injuring your brokenness.
I wish someone would have told me pornography would normalize things I wasn’t emotionally or physically ready to handle in my relationships with men, making me feel like I had no options or control over my sex life, filling me with much regret.
I wish someone would have told me I would begin to objectify men, build up images in my mind, and think of sex day in and day out, to the point where I couldn’t remain focused on anything else.
I wish someone would have told me it would make me feel less valuable to men, and bring up insecurities for years in the bedroom.
I wish someone would have pointed out pornography establishes your sexuality completely apart from real-life relationships, causing huge problems in your intimacy with real significant others.
I wish someone would have explained what “sexual anorexia” was and that countless young men are unable to get erections because they’ve been watching porn since they were around 14 years old.
I wish someone would have told all the men I’ve dated that the porn they are watching is keeping them from being turned on by me, ultimately destroying our relationship.
I wish someone would have told me that the dopamine and oxytocin being released from my watching certain types of pornography would cause me to question my sexual orientation, which in turn cost me relationships with friends.
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